Dear My Blank

This letter might never reach its intended recipient, nonetheless, I am writing this because I crave the catharsis and clarity that writing brings. It forces me into teasing through the jumbl

This is how I remember you:

April 20^th was the day I got to know you more. I learnt that you liked Iced Chai Tea Lattes too. We walked all the way from the Bugis to the waterfront. I was glad to find a fellow Tumblr-er (in the same genere) and People Watcher. We’d talked and somehow because of my late night fried chicken craving, we ended up clowning around in Mustafa till 4am. That will be one of my most memorable/ best first dates.

May 7th, you came to Going Om to pick me up before our Bintan trip. I thought you looked rather dashing in a suit. I felt my first twinge of jealousy when you asked Gokce (Sky) for her number. We slept in the same bed for the first time that night. The next day we had fun in Indonesia and I was glad you could get along well with my friends. I was shocked by how many "adventures" you'd had when we played Never Had I Ever. It intrigued me.

May 27^th, we watched The Good Guys and ate in Newton. You were feeling ill and we went to your place to get the hotel receipt. You kissed me by the kitchen and I asked what that was for. I realized that I just wanted to skip work to take care of you although I would have been content at just to watch you sleep. (I know hella creepy right?)

May 13^th We met up at Plaza Singapura and we ate Pho. I was late and I could tell you weren't in the best moods. The conversation drifted into somehow my having kids and the best place to give birth and I agreed that was the USA. I entertained the idea of potentially having a future with you. I was afraid. We went to your place and you were dizzyingly adorable opening your Lego collectibles on the floor in your boxers. I got you one. Hope it isn't a duplicate.

June 15 that was 2 months from the day we’d met. I learned you liked Star Wars letter named planes. We ordered pizza and our tomfoolery was interrupted by the pizza guy. I enjoyed the movie you picked out. Again, I wished I didn't have to go to work. This was the day I realized I may have fallen off the deep end.

I don’t feel that way about someone often so when it comes around, I just wanted to savor the moments. 

July 5th it all came crashing down.

July 6th, I had taken the day off because we were supposed to hang out. I thought we could meet and I could make things right. I couldn't. I kept looking at your present on my shelf.

I’m sorry if I hurt you. I care for you and knowing what you’ve been through; I understand that you may see what I have done as the ultimate kind of betrayal. I would ask for forgiveness, but maybe that’s too much of me to ask.

I was naïve. I didn’t think you cared for me, so I didn’t expect it to upset you. My own doubts became my unwinding.

I hope you see my side as well. I didn’t know how to deal with being in a "pseudo" relationship that had an expiry date. I didn’t know how to deal with un-reciprocated emotions so I lashed out. I should have asked what you expected of me, but at the same time, I didn’t want to put restrictions on you. 

I remember feeling a surge of envy while I was seated on the couch of your apartment when you said that you wanted to find a cute Japanese girl to settle down with. I asked why you didn’t and you said they’re all just interested in sex. That is far from true. I genuinely hope you find her. Someone to settle down with.

Truly that is what I’m searching for as well.

You will always have a place in my heart. And though I know friendship isn’t usually for those you bed, but I’m hoping that you meant what you wrote in that text message, that perhaps we can be friends.

PS: Keep writing poems. Who cares if some stiff old teacher doesn’t like them. Also, feel free to remove the mask once in a while, what lies underneath is quite a sight to behold. I know. I've revelled in the glimpses of him.

Love,

Rowan